Off

I wonder if I've always felt this way. Or, rather, if I've always NOT felt, this way. I feel like I use all my energy during the day at my job, solving other people's problems, dealing with somewhat monotonous things. I don't really feel engaged most of the time. Sure, there are periods of excitement, where I'm working on a project that I like. But then it's back to the daily grind. And that leaves me feeling drained, and like I can't care about or relate to the people in my life.

I mean, of course I still CARE, because I know that I SHOULD care. But when I feel so drained of energy, I just don't feel anything until things get really bad or really good. I feel like I've lost the grayscale emotions, like I've build up some shell that doesn't let little things in. And I can't tell whether this has happened recently, or if I've always been like this. Maybe it's just a side effect of growing up, maturing, your brain fully developing and becoming an even-keeled person.

It is somewhat troubling, though. To feel like you're unable to engage with the world on a subtle level anymore. I wonder if this is a phase, or a temporary situation dependent on a few other factors in my life, or if I've just changed. Maybe it was trauma induced. Maybe I'll never feel the smaller emotions again. Maybe I never have, and this is all just something that I made up while I was feeling tired, and then applied it to my whole life. I guess I'll see, now that I've put it down on (digital) paper.