I wonder if I've always felt this way. Or, rather, if I've always NOT felt, this way. I feel like I use all my energy during the day at my job, solving other people's problems, dealing with somewhat monotonous things. I don't really feel engaged most of the time. Sure, there are periods of excitement, where I'm working on a project that I like. But then it's back to the daily grind. And that leaves me feeling drained, and like I can't care about or relate to the people in my life.
I mean, of course I still CARE, because I know that I SHOULD care. But when I feel so drained of energy, I just don't feel anything until things get really bad or really good. I feel like I've lost the grayscale emotions, like I've build up some shell that doesn't let little things in. And I can't tell whether this has happened recently, or if I've always been like this. Maybe it's just a side effect of growing up, maturing, your brain fully developing and becoming an even-keeled person.
It is somewhat troubling, though. To feel like you're unable to engage with the world on a subtle level anymore. I wonder if this is a phase, or a temporary situation dependent on a few other factors in my life, or if I've just changed. Maybe it was trauma induced. Maybe I'll never feel the smaller emotions again. Maybe I never have, and this is all just something that I made up while I was feeling tired, and then applied it to my whole life. I guess I'll see, now that I've put it down on (digital) paper.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
Spoiler Alert
Just in case you clicked on this blog thinking it would contain actual wisdom pertaining to "having it all," you should know that I have no idea how to do that. I'm just a girl trying to live up to all the expectations I have for myself, and I thought I'd share my journey of always coming up a bit short.
I've been finding it particularly hard to balance all the areas of my life while also actively working toward my goals. I honestly have no idea how anyone does it. In my mind, every day should look like this:
6-7am: morning jog
7-8:30am: shower, eat breakfast, clean the apartment, get ready for work
9am: go to work, get all work done in glorious fashion
1pm: eat a nutritious lunch, make a few personal calls, write for a while
7:30-8:30pm: yoga class
8:30pm: go home, make dinner, clean
9:30-10:30pm: write for an hour
10:30-11pm: play with the cats and spend quality time with the boyfriend
11pm: go to sleep
Now, in case it's not obvious, I have NEVER EVER had a day like this. IN MY LIFE. My days normally look like this:
8am: alarm rings, hit snooze
8:15am: alarm rings again. snooze.
8:25am: final alarm. snooze
9:20am: wake up in a panic, get dressed, feed cats, grab purse etc, run out the door
9:40am: arrive at work
10am-12pm: put out fires, think up hilarious content for social media, read scrips
12-12:15pm: gulp down a pre-boxed salad and try not to snack too much
12:15-7:30pm: get lost in a sea of other people's demands until it's time to leave, and then stay longer
7:30pm: roll out of work and go straight home, exhausted
8pm-12am: order delivery because too tired to cook, watch tv, pet cats, hang out with boyfriend
1-2am: crawl into bed
That's abysmal. Notice, that's zero exercise, zero writing time, and lots of quick and easy food instead of nutritious food.
The "ideal day" schedule presents even more of a problem I mean, I even found it hard to create that schedule because there is NOT enough time to do everything. Even when I've tried to plan everything out, I don't have enough time to budget for writing, I also don't have a time in there to relax, read something, watch tv, or to go out and meet people or socialize with current friends. I have never in my life understood how any given woman keeps her life from falling apart. Between my job, cleaning, writing, exercising, managing my relationships, caring for my cats, and trying to get enough sleep at night, how is seventeen hours never enough time? And I don't even have that difficult of a life!
So anyway, I thought I'd start this blog, not only to give myself a goal of writing a little every day, but also to become more mindful of how I spend my days, and what I can do to improve my life. Hopefully I can get closer to becoming the person I want to be (if that's even possible).
A few questions for the day:
Do you have trouble managing your life? What are the goals you have that keep getting pushed aside for practical things? What steps can you take to change the things you don't like about your life?
Wish me luck!
D
P.S. Here's a picture of my cats!
I've been finding it particularly hard to balance all the areas of my life while also actively working toward my goals. I honestly have no idea how anyone does it. In my mind, every day should look like this:
6-7am: morning jog
7-8:30am: shower, eat breakfast, clean the apartment, get ready for work
9am: go to work, get all work done in glorious fashion
1pm: eat a nutritious lunch, make a few personal calls, write for a while
7:30-8:30pm: yoga class
8:30pm: go home, make dinner, clean
9:30-10:30pm: write for an hour
10:30-11pm: play with the cats and spend quality time with the boyfriend
11pm: go to sleep
Now, in case it's not obvious, I have NEVER EVER had a day like this. IN MY LIFE. My days normally look like this:
8am: alarm rings, hit snooze
8:15am: alarm rings again. snooze.
8:25am: final alarm. snooze
9:20am: wake up in a panic, get dressed, feed cats, grab purse etc, run out the door
9:40am: arrive at work
10am-12pm: put out fires, think up hilarious content for social media, read scrips
12-12:15pm: gulp down a pre-boxed salad and try not to snack too much
12:15-7:30pm: get lost in a sea of other people's demands until it's time to leave, and then stay longer
7:30pm: roll out of work and go straight home, exhausted
8pm-12am: order delivery because too tired to cook, watch tv, pet cats, hang out with boyfriend
1-2am: crawl into bed
That's abysmal. Notice, that's zero exercise, zero writing time, and lots of quick and easy food instead of nutritious food.
The "ideal day" schedule presents even more of a problem I mean, I even found it hard to create that schedule because there is NOT enough time to do everything. Even when I've tried to plan everything out, I don't have enough time to budget for writing, I also don't have a time in there to relax, read something, watch tv, or to go out and meet people or socialize with current friends. I have never in my life understood how any given woman keeps her life from falling apart. Between my job, cleaning, writing, exercising, managing my relationships, caring for my cats, and trying to get enough sleep at night, how is seventeen hours never enough time? And I don't even have that difficult of a life!
So anyway, I thought I'd start this blog, not only to give myself a goal of writing a little every day, but also to become more mindful of how I spend my days, and what I can do to improve my life. Hopefully I can get closer to becoming the person I want to be (if that's even possible).
A few questions for the day:
Do you have trouble managing your life? What are the goals you have that keep getting pushed aside for practical things? What steps can you take to change the things you don't like about your life?
Wish me luck!
D
P.S. Here's a picture of my cats!
Ok, I'm done.
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